Roast Rocky's Golf Game

For just $1, we'll send Rocky an email absolutely destroying his golf game. He'll never know who sent it. Pure chaos.

Who is Rocky?

Rocky thinks he can play golf. He cannot. He's lost more balls than he's found, his swing looks like a crime scene, and he still shows up every week convinced "today's the day." It's not. The only thing good about his golf game is his apparel, thanks to Back Nine. Help us remind him.

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Use Our Premium Roast

Professionally crafted. Absolutely brutal. Zero mercy.

Rocky,

One dollar. That's what someone paid to deliver this message. One dollar. Still more value than your last round.

Let's talk about your driver for a second. You swing that thing like you're angry at the ball personally. Like the ball insulted your family. And somehow, despite all that violence, it still only goes 180 yards — usually sideways. It's not the club, Rocky. The club is innocent.

Your "warmup" at the range should be classified as a warning sign. Thirty balls, maybe two solid contacts, and then you walk to the first tee convinced you're ready. You're not ready. You're never ready. You've never been ready.

Your score is a mystery because you stop counting somewhere around the triple bogey mark. "I think I had a 7 there." You did not have a 7 there. Everyone saw. We all counted. It was an 11.

Here's the thing about golf, Rocky: it rewards practice, patience, and humility. You have none of these things. You show up, grip it, rip it, curse, repeat. Your learning curve isn't a curve — it's a flatline.

The best part of your game is the outfit. At least you look good losing balls.

Enjoy your next round. The course won't.

Write Your Own Roast

Got something personal? Let it out. We'll deliver it word for word.

Rocky will receive the email immediately after payment. No refunds. No mercy.

Questions

Will Rocky know who sent it?

Nope. Complete anonymity. The email comes from Back Nine Apparel. Your identity stays hidden.

Is this real?

100% real. Rocky is a real person. He really can't play golf. He really will receive this email.

Can I send multiple roasts?

Absolutely. Stack 'em up. Rocky deserves it.